Archive for May, 2016

26
May
16

Losing it

I generally feel like I keep myself together despite the crazy that is my normal life. My house might not be immaculate and some might question my sanity, but, for the most part, I think I do okay. Well, some days.

This month has been a struggle. Especially mornings. It is harder and harder for me to get up and moving. This morning was no different. I woke up late, threw on clothes and was ready to head out the door.

Then, I remembered that I had forgotten to take my pills.  Back in the house I went.

Minutes later, I got on the road and a couple of miles into my commute remembered the errand that I have to run at lunch. It requires my checkbook which I do not normally carry. So, I turned around. Now, it is important to realize I was already ridiculously late before turning around, but the errand is that important.

I run back in my house and tear apart my desk which is covered in my kids’ papers and such that they have been bringing home over the last couple of weeks in preparation for the end of school, no checkbook. Panic sets in. I tear apart the side tables thinking maybe it is on one of them. Nothing. I take a big breath and try to retrace where I would have had it last. The school. I used it to pay for summer classes. I would have had it in the car.

I run back out to the car which I was in minutes before and find the stupid checkbook in my purse. Seriously.

At that point, I am beyond ridiculously late, irritated as hell, and I still have not had breakfast. I treated myself to Dunkin Donuts.

Funny thing about losing it. For some reason, whenever I feel like I have hit bottom and I am at my wits end, things start happening. I had a surprise in my inbox from one of my clients and have had a great morning at work. My oldest that is home today is being unusually kind to me via messaging. And my sister has started to slowly initiate contact again.

My favorite mantra these days is, “It is just a bad day, not a bad life.” Well, this morning, it was just a bad morning, but it is a pretty darn good day.

25
May
16

Maintaining the Course

The 2015-2016 school year is coming to a close, finally! This year has been a weird mix for us.  It has been more of a struggle than years past. We have done fine, but could have done better.

We have had some cool stuff happen this year. My oldest has found that she loves politics. She participated in the schools debate between the Young Republicans and Young Democrats where she slayed. She joined the Young Feminists and participated in marching band. And danced outside of school.

My younger daughter continued with her musical endeavors. She played with the Youth Symphony Orchestra and was in the Junior Regional Orchestra.

And, for the most part, I went to school full time while working. I did do a 75% semester in the spring because I did not want to get too behind while we were on our cruise.

Currently, I am planning to go full time through the next three semesters to graduate in May of 2017. It is a somewhat lofty goal, but I initially thought it could happen. Now, I am not so sure that I should not scale it back a bit. The only problem with doing so is I would have to graduate the following spring which is the spring of my oldest’s senior year and I did not want my graduation to conflict with her own.

So I am in a bit of a quandary.  Two very active teenagers, working full time, and trying to finish this degree seems like it might be just too much as next year we have even more activities. For now, I am going to just try to maintain my current course. We will see if my sanity and schedule will allow me to continue doing so come the start of next school year. Fingers crossed!

19
May
16

Time to Refocus

It is time for me to refocus and get my ass back in gear. Not really sure how I got so far off track diet wise but something happened between September and the first of the year which I have yet to recover from.

Luckily, I have not regained ALL of the weight I lost back. I am still about thirty down from my highest point, so I regained about ten.  It is kind of funny looking at pictures because I can see improvements in my body looking at pictures where I am about the same weight last year compared to now. Exercise is a funny thing.

But it is time to step it up a notch and it is a good time to do it. This week starts a new semester, the kids are wrapping up school, and, after last weekend’s blow up, I am ready to refocus on myself.

Diet is a struggle for me and will be my biggest challenge. Even as I am writing this, I just had pop tarts and a Mtn. Dew for my breakfast-go me! Not going to be too hard on myself this week since the week is insane and I did not properly plan, but will do better moving forward.

Exercise is actually something I have learned to enjoy. Switched things up some this month since I had gotten in a slump and signed up for a Pilates class through our local parks and recreation department. So far, so good. I enjoy it and am sore after each class. Two days per week for a month at $27-not too bad. Still trying to go to the gym daily. Really want to get back in before work, but struggling to get up daily. Made it two days in a row this week, but slept in a bit today. Have a workout buddy starting with me three days per week after her vacation next week; that should help. Also told the guy that I know that is there with his hot brother to harass me anytime I miss. Nothing like embarrassing myself as a motivator. Going in the afternoon as time permits and have a couple of friends that will usually go with some notice. Basically, I spent too much time at Planet Fitness. Still have a few Zumba lessons paid for that need to be used pretty soon, so working those in as well.

Still have a 5k at the beginning of June with my brother, daughter, and best friend. Not really prepared, but going to go have some fun. Will try to work on that a bit in the next couple of weeks.

My brother wants to lose a bit, too. So he gets to be my accountability partner for the entire mess. Poor guy gets to hear me bitch and moan more than my twitter followers.  You can all send your condolences.

So, that’s my plan for the moment. Time to step it up and knock out 30 lbs by the end of summer.  I think I can! Fingers crossed!

16
May
16

Reflecting

What was supposed to be a great weekend went to hell fast and has left me all out of sorts. Crazy how much someone can intentionally hurt another person. I hate being someone that takes things so personally. However, it is impossible not to when attacked in virtually every aspect of my life. Not cool. So, today, I am fuming.

I don’t need to go into all of the gory details of what happened. What’s done is done.  It is water under the bridge and, unfortunately, I seriously doubt that my relationship with the other person will ever be the same. But it has caused me to do some reflecting which I guess is a good thing. So here are a few things that I think need to be said. Maybe that person will see this, maybe not. It is therapeutic for me, regardless.

Eventually, we all have to grow up and take ownership for our own lives. We each make our own paths. We each have to live with the consequences of our decisions. That is life. The great thing about life is, it is what we make it.  Not happy in your own? Fix it. That is on you. Not the people around you.

Sometimes, we need to check our priorities. As grown-ups, we don’t always get what we want. Rent and utilities should be a priority. If you cannot pay your bills, cut out the extras. Smoking? An extra. Alcohol? An extra.

If we are not good to ourselves, who will be? This kind of goes back to priorities, but we know ourselves. Take care of yourself. Make sure that you are getting what you need. Take your meds, if you are depressed. Find ways to cope. Get counseling.

Remember who has had your back. I am very lucky to have a few people in the world that I know love me and are there when I need them. If you have people like that in your life, love them and treat them with respect. Don’t let a bad day ruin a good relationship.

And, there ya have it. Ornery Dame’s thoughts for the day. Obviously, I am all up in my feels. But, for what it is worth, as much as I hate that our relationship is probably ruined, I have realized just how lucky I really am. I hope that the other person gets their life on track and starts to appreciate what they have before it is too late.

12
May
16

Welcome to Paradise

Another round of classes will be complete as of midnight tomorrow. Less than 48 hours. I have a shit ton to do before midnight tomorrow.

So here we are on May 12. I have a kid taking an AP exam and one taking an SOL. One has a leadership clinic after school this evening and again tomorrow. The other kid has a project due Monday which is totally stressing her out causing her to irritate the devil out of me.

I have work (of course) and, then, a Pilates class. In hindsight, I totally should have waited a month to start the class, but it is paid for and I need to go. I need to do something physical to help shake off some of the crazy. I have three more discussion posts to write, a quiz and two exams to take. Pretty sure I have laundry that was started yesterday still sitting in the washing machine and a sink full of dishes waiting on me at home. Oh, and the stuff I bought to work on my yard last weekend is still in the back of my Jeep. Go me!

The next couple of days is bad enough, but really the rest of the month is just as bad, if not worse. We have a trip out of town this weekend which is short because of the teenager playing in the baccalaureate ceremony for graduating seniors on Sunday. Next week, we have regular dance classes with added rehearsals because we have recitals next weekend. The teenager also has leadership clinics for band. We have a band banquet, a middle school graduation, and my summer classes start on Monday. Woohoo!

Normally, I think December is bad and I am reminded of the old country song, “If we make it through December.” Starting to think that May is way worse. May needs a theme song (Green Day is totally stuck in my head) and I need a shot, or ten. And maybe a nap.

11
May
16

Throwing Another Fish Back

Boredom struck again. I got back on Plenty of Fish for a few days over the last couple of weeks. As usual, I have attracted a mixed bag of crazies.

This go around, however, I thought I met someone interesting. My age. Teenage son. Cop. Not bad looking. Conversation slow, but eventually starting picking up.

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a nosy person. It comes with the territory. I research quite a bit in my career. So, I did a little digging and found the guys Facebook.

He was married. MARRIED.

Now, in his defense, it does not say on his Facebook profile that he is, but he posted a pic of the girl in her wedding dress with two older women that I am assuming are his and her mothers for Mother’s Day which was literally three days ago.

Seeing this, I asked, “You are single, right?”

His response, “Of course.”

Seriously? I have my doubts.

He could have said they were going through a rough patch or that he was, indeed, married and I would have had more respect for the guy. Not saying I would have been interested, because I would not.

That is one fish that is getting thrown back.