21
Mar
17

Seasons Change

Seasons change. Today was the first day of spring and I guess my feelings are appropriate considering, but I cannot seem to shake the feeling that I need a change. Really, the fact that I am feeling this way is a little surprising; I just had a week of break from my classes and thought I would be somewhat recharged. Instead, I am exhausted.

That is probably a good place as any to start. I am exhausted. It is not just an “I could really use a nap” kind of tired, either. It is a tired that I feel in my soul. I have an unrest of sorts brewing somewhere deep inside of me and it is manifesting itself everywhere.

I feel it at work. I have zero ability to concentrate lately. My mojo is lost. I had a strong start to the year and now things are slowing. Honestly, it is natural considering the work that I do, but it still makes me anxious. Sitting at the desk for eight hours a day with no real results kills me. I glanced through the want ads today, I do not think another job is the answer and there was nothing that I wanted to do.

I feel it at home. I want a new house. I am tired of fighting over bathrooms. Tired of stressing over neighbors, traffic, and bushes. I want a place where I can find peace. I also want to be in my current neighborhood, my mortgage payments to be cut in half, and a fenced in backyard for the puppos. Yeah, I need to get a grip.

I am feeling it in my relationships. My kids have a decent understanding of my funk and we deal. They act like teenagers, I snap, we make up, repeat. I have my on again off again relationship which works for me to a point. Now, it is working quite well which is probably not a good thing, but I have little desire to deal with many others at the moment. That is kinda sucky. I am talking to a couple of people, well, sort of talking. I owe a return call to one that I am supposed to go out with Friday, but I have come to realize that I despise the phone and if that is required for a relationship, I might be in trouble.

I am feeling it physically. I am tired. I am so blah. I finally got to the gym for a bit this evening for the first time in quite a while-it was excruciating. I have gained back everything I had lost. I am eating out too much. I am drinking too much…alcohol, soda, yep-if it’s bad for me, just add it to the list.

It is time for the season to change. Maybe for a few to change considering this brain dump. Perhaps the equinox hit at the right time and I can start fresh tomorrow. Of course, the fact it is almost two hours past my bedtime does not lead me to believe I won’t be tired again tomorrow.

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